Yes. I realize I haven't updated in a while. I will update more often in the near future. However, this needs to be shared, so I shall.
I love our big dumb lab. He's a good boy. He puts up with the Menace, he never has accidents in the house, and he rarely barks for no particular reason.
However, the last few weeks, he seems to have decided that driving me nuts is the way to go.
He forever has his nose in either the other dog's or any cat's butt he can find.
About once a day he wanders over to the communal water bowl and drinks enough water that he makes himself puke. There is no medical reason for this, he's just a moron.
He doesn't have worms, but he's decided recently that wiping his bottom on my carpet after a good poo outside is rolicking good fun. Doggie skid marks? Sure! They're mom's favorite.
We've recently had to start having him sleep in his kennel at night again, which he hasn't done since he was a puppy. He has decided that sleeping is for wusses, and he wants us to get up and play with him. Every time I get up to pee he thinks it's wake up time and loses his mind for an hour.
I'm not going to lie. He was also banished because of the giant green clouds of acid that he farts out about every hour. That stuff is vile, and I'm pretty sure that if he continues to sleep in the same spot it's going to melt the paint off the wall.
But tonight. Tonight is why he's really in trouble. I was trying to get the Menace ready for gymnastics, and for some reason when she went to bathroom she missed the potty and peed on the floor. Yay. (This has no bearing on the story, it only serves to show that my mood was already going south.)
Then I went in to the bedroom and noticed that the big jerk had been on our bed.
I didn't notice because of the giant tumbleweeds of white dog fur coating our once chocolate colored bedspread (this dude sheds like it's his job, and yes, I'm aware that all labs do, but this is the one that's in my house).
No.
(Uhhh...if you're prone to puking, you might want to skip this part).
No. I noticed it because of the BIG, GIANT green glob of smegma on my freshly changed off-white sheets.
Ass-hole! No! Naughty dog! No!
Dude! First of all, keep your furry ass off of my bed! Second of all, keep your weiner clean! You love all things dirty and nasty! Cleaning your weiner should be your favorite past-time.
Now my sheets (and shortly my comforter) are getting yet another cleaning, and then I'll have to make the bed again.
Plus, my husband is mad at me because I yelled about the sheets, and apparently his delicate senses can't handle the psychotic ravings of his overly emotional wife this evening.
Incidentally, the Menace thought this whole event was hysterical. As far as I'm concerned she's grounded until she can be properly horrified at green weiner goo in the exact spot where I was hoping to take a nap while she's at gymnastics. Instead, I'm doing laundry and bitching on the internet.
